This is an open letter to my husband, who has stuck by me through a very difficult period. In the last few months I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) alongside a Major Depressive Disorder. Basically, my mood is all over the place and I can change at the drop of a hat. one second i could be fine but I don’t know what the next will bring.
To the love of my life,
You are everything to me and I hope you know that. I love you with all of my heart and I know that I haven’t been the easiest person to live with, not just for the last couple of years, but since you have known me, as this BPD is something that has been present for a long time. The reason I sought help in the first place, about 4 or 5 years ago, was because I realised that you were on the receiving end of my mood swings, because you were there. I know that I can snap at the most seemingly trivial thing; but to me that sends me into a dark, dark place; a fug that I cannot get out of. I am so, so sorry for all of the times that I have snapped at you, berated you, given you the silent treatment or just blanked you. And I apologise in advance for when it happens again… for it will and I cannot help it. Just know that it is not me, I am not myself when I do this, it is a darkness that consumes me. Know that I don’t mean it… well not in the way i said it… Please remember that the real me loves you with every fathom of my being, and that I appreciate all that you do for me. I know that I behave exactly like my mother in that respect and that is something that I have always been terrified of. I sought help to try and stop this and for you- so that I don’t lose you and so that you don’t have to put up with it. Knowing and understanding part of my disorder, I think that part of me is pushing you away so that I don’t get hurt if you left and that you wouldn’t feel so bad if you had to. Another part of me is furious at me for doing that because I cannot bare the though of losing you. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.
I am sorry for putting all of this financial strain on us. I know that it is my fault, I know that I need to control myself. It is the impulsive part of the disorder- I need to remember to stop to think before I do anything. For the most part, I am good. I mostly browse and add a load of stuff to my cart and then close the page. It’s just those odd occasions.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for doing all that you are doing. I am proud of you and I appreciate your love. It is for you that I carry on. It is for you that I drag myself out of bed every morning and it is for you that I stop before that knife hits a vein. You are my soul mate and I cannot lose you. This is why I asked that you speak to someone, just to get things off your chest. I am sorry that I have been useless at a lot of things, but you are my world and I want to make yours better. I love you, my Balloon, with all of my heart!
Your Red Head.