Haven’t blogged for a few days because i have had nothing to report. Now, I realise that I shouldn’t think that way and I should report when I am feeling positive too and acknowledge it. So here goes… I am stupidly excited. I am like a bottle of pop at the moment because I am going to Berlin tomorrow. 😀 I have so much to show my husband because he has never been. There will be lots of drinking and Christmas markets. I am apprehensive about certain things, mind you, it is not all gravy. Because of my weight, I am always worried about flying, about fitting in the seat and about the belt fitting. I am worried how my back will hold up with the amount of walking we will be doing. I am worried about my feet and which shoes I should wear. I am worried the hubby won’t like it. I sure he will love it… but what if he doesn’t. I love Berlin and have thought have living there. I guess it wouldn’t be a big deal, i doubt we would have ever made the move anyway. I shouldn’t dwell on hypotheticals. I am worried that the inopportune visitation from the decorators will make me not enjoy the trip. But on the whole I am excited! So there! I am going to try and enjoy my enthusiasm while it lasts.
… I am in a better mood today, not so low. Wouldn’t say that I am in a great mood. I am quite agitated still and bored out of my mind, yet it is taking a lot of effort for me to do actual work. Saw my sister yesterday, we are all good. I was in a desperate mood last night, I am not sure why. Felt quite lonely, despite being at my cousin’s baby shower with all my family. I made a cake for the occasion and I got a little upset (within myself) that they didn’t cut the cake there, instead were cutting it at home. I guess I felt a little sidelined. And it is my own fault, because I don’t have the time to visit as often as I would like and should. Nobody did anything to make me feel this way, I just did. I guess, our family has always been close and over the last 8 years i have not been so much involved as I used to be and it’s because I don’t live as close as I used to. We’re a lazy lot. I wish it were different. I have tried making the family get together more as a family, but it fell by the wayside.
Anyway, just a short one today.
Do you know what!? Fuck her! Trying to offer some sisterly advice and she throws it back in my face! I am so upset right now! I am so angry! At her for blowing up on me instead of hearing me out and at myself for saying anything in the first place. Now I might have blown our relationship just at a time when I need it to be secure, for both of us. I need to be the person that she can speak to when she is in trouble… and I think I blew it. I am sat in work and I am trying my damned hardest not to cry. I just want to curl up in a ball and contemplate my own death. I just want to die right now. I don’t know what to do. I am stuck in work and all I can think about is all the different ways i could end it all right now. I can feel that rope around my neck, that blade in my skin. God I want to do it so much. I cannot think about anything else. I am trying to use compassion and mindfulness and the self soothing methods but they’re just not working at the moment. I just cannot fathom life beyond today. My head feels like it is going to explode… how, I do not know. I want to yell at the top of my voice, punch a wall, scream, cry. I am angry, sad, upset, agitated, overwhelmed, disappointed, heartbroken amongst other feelings that I cannot put my finger on right now. I want to hibernate. I don’t know what to do! I need help!
I am bored. Unbelievably bored! I have nothing to do in my job at the moment. It is really slow. I don’t know what to do with myself, I am so agitated but I am also super sleepy. If I don’t keep moving, I will fall asleep. I feel utterly useless sitting here blogging instead of doing work… but there isn’t any. The bits and bobs that I have to do I have to eek out to last me all day. I am desperately hoping that some more work comes in because i have exhausted searching online for christmas presents until I have more inspiration. Makes me feel bad not having anything to do, everyone else seems so busy. I was told that this was the job of two people :-/.
Aside from work, at the moment I am feeling really low. So depressed that I want to take the knife that i use to self harm and jab it into my wrist. Every wall that I pass is a potential punchbag. All I want to do is hurt myself. My mind is screaming for some release and at the moment, hurting myself is the only release that I can think of; aside from eating everything under the sun. None of which makes me feel better. There is some instant relief when immediately but it wears off quickly. I am so frustrated with everything that I do, or don’t do, rather. I need to be getting on with my research but I have very little time where I am not too exhausted to do it. And I know that I should be letting myself off the hook because I am ill. Still, I am way behind and I cannot help but beat myself up. Mostly, I want to hide away. My therapist says that I am like a little hedgehog, wanting to curl up into a ball and hide away; I have never heard such an apt analogy in my life. That is exactly what I want to do, curl up in a ball and ignore everything! It is what I have been doing up to now- ignoring my feelings, avoiding facing the truth. I don’t know how I will overcome that. Right at this moment, I want to hide under my desk and not come out until everyone is gone. People overwhelm me- interacting and being around people is exhausting to me. Yeah people think that I am good with people and yes, in the words of the Platters and Freddie Mercury, I am the great pretender. But it is physically exhausting doing stuff that you don’t want to do… like be around people. Granted, I like being around people I know well and am friendly with, crave it sometimes, but acquaintances is something else! It is really hard to describe. I guess I want company on my own terms, when I want it. I am scared of people. I am scared of what they are thinking, whether about me or the world. What if they turn out to be massive rascists and I become really good friends with them, without knowing! What if they have a hidden agenda?! What if they secretly dislike me!? I have had many friends that have turned on me in an instant. Granted, they were in school but they left a lasting impression. I can truly understand why people become recluses, the world is a terrifying place! How can you trust people to be genuine?
I don’t want to feel these things anymore- I don’t want to feel anything anymore! Everything hurts! Even the good feelings hurt! Sometimes those urges to drive a knife through my wrist are so intense that it hurts. It takes all of my might to ignore them. And I am scared that I am not going to be able to stop myself all the time!
It has been a very long time since i have posted to this blog but I am now in IPT therapy and my therapist suggested that journaling might be a good way for me to express how I am feeling. Not that past blogs did, but my future blogs are probably not going to make sense as I spew out the things that are in my head. My intention is that they are not going to be restricted. I am just going to use these blogs as a stream of consciousness in the hopes to help myself to understand what I am feeling and maybe help others know they are not alone in what they are feeling. So, here goes…
Some background, today is the anniversary of my Nan’s death. I was extremely close to my Nan, she was my world. My sister has given me some news that has knocked me back somewhat, also, but I am not going to divulge that here. I am working full-time, trying to study for my PhD part-time as well as other odds and sods that take up my time.
I am exhausted! I am so tired it is ridiculous. I have been falling asleep everywhere – including my desk at work. I am angry with myself because I am so tired that I cannot do anything. I cannot pluck up the energy to do what I need to do. I have blood tests to check but they have come back normal so has just confirmed that this lethargy and sleepiness is just how my depression is manifesting itself. Which is so frustrating! But I know, from therapy, that I need to forgive myself of this because I am ill, depression is an illness and I am severely depressed. But this is the hard part – I have been taught all my life that you work through the illness… I was always sent to school no matter how ill I was. It is difficult to give into the illness when you can’t see it. I KNOW it is an illness, the easy part is knowing that I am ill… the hard part is letting myself off the hook about it. Because I want to do is sleep… all the time… I don’t know when I will stop wanting to sleep, if I gave into it then all my responsibilities go out of the window. I am afraid to take time off work for it because I don’t know how management will take it. I try to be open and honest but I don’t want them thinking they have made the wrong hire (this is a relatively new job). I am enjoying the job and the people but I still cannot get up the enthusiasm to go to work because of this illness.
Amongst this, I am filled with grief – today more so than others. I am still not over the death of my Nan, or my Mother and on anniversaries like these those feelings are magnified. Not to mention the therapy making me aware of all these feelings. I am angry that they are gone! How dare they escape this horrible world and leave us behind. Don’t they know that they are still needed here? Needed to cwtch when we are sad, to talk things through, to guide us. It’s been 7 years since my Nan passed and 10 years since my Mum, and it has never gotten easier. The pain is as great not as it was then and I can’t see that pain ever getting better – despite the therapy. How can it get better? I am always going to want them here. This makes me want to join them… at least I would be able to escape this world, this horrible world where one person thinks it is alright to kill another human being, where the most of the leaders in this world are psychopaths looking for any reason to press the button to kill more people to stop the killing of people. I am so angry at the gaul off people, to think that they should have such control over whether people live or die! Why on Earth would anyone want to stay here? No wonder they left. If I did leave to be with them, at least I would be with them and if there is nothing after this life then I won’t know so why care? Maybe it is just like a giant reset button… just start over in another universe and try to make things better. Maybe that’s the catch, I will have to wait to meet them again, wait for them to live their youths again. Maybe life plays over and over. Perhaps. What really stops me is my loved ones on this plain. And that is the way it should be, I guess. I just miss them so much! What was and what could have been. I feel empty without them there. Alone, despite the support of my friends and family, I still feel alone. And that makes me feel guilty for feeling alone when I have a significant support network.
Sadness overwhelms me. An incredible sadness about a variety of things, mainly the world! The world sucks as mentioned above, but not just because of people killing eachother and psychopathic leaders… hatred. Hatred saddens me. Hating people so much that you have to kill them. Indoctrinating people so that they feel your hatred too, convincing them to do your bidding. Then the hate that comes in the form of racism. Sickens me to my soul. The filth that some people spout is outrageous and really hurts me. Scares me to think that I might be rascist because of the amount of bullshit that there is around. I expect people be rascist and that saddens me. I know that I am not rascist. Knowing that people are slowly being indoctrinated by the likes of the media and hateful rightwing groups and terrorists themselves, is so frustrating and sad that I am overwhelmed with guilt on behalf of those that are spewing this filth.
Anyway, that’s enough space dedicated to horrid people. And that’s enough for now. More to follow, maybe tomorrow. I don’t think that I can process any more today!
This is an open letter to my husband, who has stuck by me through a very difficult period. In the last few months I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) alongside a Major Depressive Disorder. Basically, my mood is all over the place and I can change at the drop of a hat. one second i could be fine but I don’t know what the next will bring.
To the love of my life,
You are everything to me and I hope you know that. I love you with all of my heart and I know that I haven’t been the easiest person to live with, not just for the last couple of years, but since you have known me, as this BPD is something that has been present for a long time. The reason I sought help in the first place, about 4 or 5 years ago, was because I realised that you were on the receiving end of my mood swings, because you were there. I know that I can snap at the most seemingly trivial thing; but to me that sends me into a dark, dark place; a fug that I cannot get out of. I am so, so sorry for all of the times that I have snapped at you, berated you, given you the silent treatment or just blanked you. And I apologise in advance for when it happens again… for it will and I cannot help it. Just know that it is not me, I am not myself when I do this, it is a darkness that consumes me. Know that I don’t mean it… well not in the way i said it… Please remember that the real me loves you with every fathom of my being, and that I appreciate all that you do for me. I know that I behave exactly like my mother in that respect and that is something that I have always been terrified of. I sought help to try and stop this and for you- so that I don’t lose you and so that you don’t have to put up with it. Knowing and understanding part of my disorder, I think that part of me is pushing you away so that I don’t get hurt if you left and that you wouldn’t feel so bad if you had to. Another part of me is furious at me for doing that because I cannot bare the though of losing you. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.
I am sorry for putting all of this financial strain on us. I know that it is my fault, I know that I need to control myself. It is the impulsive part of the disorder- I need to remember to stop to think before I do anything. For the most part, I am good. I mostly browse and add a load of stuff to my cart and then close the page. It’s just those odd occasions.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for doing all that you are doing. I am proud of you and I appreciate your love. It is for you that I carry on. It is for you that I drag myself out of bed every morning and it is for you that I stop before that knife hits a vein. You are my soul mate and I cannot lose you. This is why I asked that you speak to someone, just to get things off your chest. I am sorry that I have been useless at a lot of things, but you are my world and I want to make yours better. I love you, my Balloon, with all of my heart!
Your Red Head.
How am I supposed to carry on when my dreams of becoming an academic are hanging in the balance because I cannot concentrate! I am on my last chance of my masters; due to my mental break down last year, one assignment and my dissertation were deferred to this year. My dissertation and any research is going ok but I am really struggling with my assignment… not because I cannot do it, but because I have no drive and zero ability to concentrate on it. How am I supposed to realise my goals if I cannot concentrate or motivate myself to work at it? Then I think, well… what is the point of carrying on? What is the point with carrying on with charade? I am never going to accomplish my goal, particularly if I carry on as I am. If I cannot achieve my dream , what is the point in existing any further? I cannot see a future. All i can see is me continuing to fail myself, my husband and my family! How can I go on knowing that if I fail my Masters, I have squandered the investment put in my by my husband and his family. Then i can just picture that knife digging into my flesh, that rope pulling at my throat and the look of disappointment on everyone’s faces. My mind is ruining my life and I don’t know how to control it. I am running out of time and will. For me, I feel, that the future doesn’t exist; it is just a myth to tease me. The fact is nothing changes and nothing ever will. 😦
Pretty much sums it all up!
I continue to find it striking that expectations in mental health care are so low and are measured in largely physical terms. Statistics are quoted for death rates, rather than full lives. The fact someone is alive is not proof of mental well being. The numbers of bodies alive on hospital beds or dead in morgues is a measure at the extremes and tells us little of people’s everyday lives managing mental health problems.
I am alive: hooray! But I am untreated, apart from drugs, nearly three years on. Three years is a lot of seconds. Three years of being parked on medication and welfare benefits, of experiencing troubling symptoms. Three years of not earning, of unfulfilled potential, of dependence on the whims of Atos and the Work Capability Assessment. Yet I’m seen as some sort of success story. Or, at least, not a failure.
If you go into hospital for…
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So, I haven’t blogged for a while. I haven’t really been in a blogging mood. The weekend marked 1 year since my mood dropped and never came back up. I have had some less than bad times and some extremely bad times over this year. But all in all, I do not remember what it is like to not want to be here, not to want to give up on life. For 1 year my mind has been consumed with thoughts of ending my life, by knife, by rope or ANY other means (not to mention that these thoughts cropped up every month for a couple of weeks before hand, usually by rope). Off and on throughout my adult and teenage life I have been consumed by these thoughts, but for the most part, I have been able to ignore them; apart from a brief period of time in my late teens where I was harming myself. Nothing I did or suffered in the past is anything like what I have been feeling for the last year. Even when my mother and grandparents were taken from me, I buried all that pain…much of which is coming to the surface now. 1 year of my mood fluctuating between excruciating to painful; from being unable to control the urges to being able to distract myself. I am living in hell and every waking minute of every single day has been torture. All I want to do is disappear, to end my life, but I still don’t want to hurt or inconvenience anyone. I also cannot bear the thought of leaving my cats (take that how you will but quite a number of times a look from one of my cats has prevented me from doing anything drastic). I feel like I am bubbling over with frustration and pain. I feel like everything I am or ever will be is a lie, a figment of my imagination, a result of overestimating my abilities in what I want to do. Nothing seems possible or achievable! In amongst all this is the added torment of taking everything I read, hear about or experience to heart… I FEEL EVERYTHING. I cannot read something that angers me and just let it go… I go through a whole spectrum of emotions and whatever it is will replay in my mind over and over again. I do not understand humanity and I do not believe that I ever will. And this thought just exacerbates my wanting to leave this life. Above all of this… I loathe myself! I cannot stand to look at myself, to hear myself sometimes, or just be. I feel hideous. I cannot lose weight that I so desperately need to lose. I cannot motivate myself to get up in the mornings to go swimming (which I do enjoy) because I am enjoying the lack of consciousness. Actually, sleep is the ONLY thing that I enjoy at the moment and that is when I am not having horrible dreams! I cannot win.. seriously… WHEN IS IT OK TO GIVE UP? Fixing me doesn’t seem to be achievable! The Dr is doing her best, trying me on different drugs, but they don’t seems to be working. The only thing that has eased with the drugs is my anxiety and panic attacks – they are much more manageable. At least that is one positive. Wish I could say the same for my mood. I just want to give up! 😦
Please just end this. One day I am not so bad, the next day I am worse than ever. Not even a day sometimes… in the matter of minutes. I swear I am two different people sometimes. Maybe I am anyway… one inside and another outside.Hopefully, yoga will ease a bit today. I truly don’t know how much more I can take. More and more the plans in my head become more vivid and doable, more intricate. How can I fight them off anymore? I am just so tired… so tired. Can I not just sleep now? I want to get off. I am sick of questioning myself all the time- what is the point in life if you don’t feel comfortable in your own mind or skin. Would it actually matter to anyone anyway? It is absolute torture! Waking up every morning is torture! Waking up next to my loving husband and seeing my cats, all of whom i love more than anything, and still wanting to end it all.. absolute torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And I feel like my cries of help are falling on deaf ears. Can I be helped, because if I can’t then maybe I can make my own peace!