Well, I am still here…just. Still feeling pretty god damn awful. The end of last week and the weekend were especially bad. I am aware that I keep repeating myself here but I just don’t know how long I can go on for. Each waking moment I am forced to push thoughts of suicide out of my head. Thoughts of what a relief it would be slowly passing over- or rather that is how it should be- one reason that keeps me from going through with it is the likelihood that my last moments would be consumed with guilt and pain for those who i would be leaving behind. So there I remain, in limbo between. And it is such torture to be here. The only relief that I get, and it is brief, is cutting myself.
I came home from the gym on Friday afternoon, after a fairly intensive session, and I was hellbent on hurting myself- I was seriously miserable, even more so after the gym. All that bollocks about the gym making you feel better- I always feel worse, more aggressive…towards myself. Anyway, I took up the paring knife and attempted to cut myself, but the blade was blunt. So i did everything to sharpen it- use the steel, the whet stone, and after ever attempt I tested it on my arm with very little success- except some shallow scratches. However, after about 15 minutes of sharpening, I tested it on my arm, applying the usual pressure. This time i had succeeded in sharpening the blade, quite well. It effortlessly sliced through my skin and immediately started pouring with blood. I had cut my arm very deep indeed. I panicked at first, as I was going out and had very little in the house to deal with it, i didn’t know how bad it was. I managed to stem the bleeding and cover it up and so on. It has been bleeding on and off all weekend, it is scabbing over now, but it is a very bad cut. The problem is, this cut was so satisfying in retrospect- I cannot stop thinking about the blade slicing through and the blood pouring out- there wasn’t even any pain. On the other hand, as satisfying as it was, all i want to do is repeat the action- the relief was short lived but more intense.
I told my husband- didn’t really show him until it looked a little better. He keeps suggesting that i get it looked at but i shrug that off. He is worried, as would i be if it were the other way around. He doesn’t understand self harm, he fully understand suicidal thoughts but the self harm he cannot grasp. I keep trying to explain that it is a compromise- though i probably don’t explain myself well enough. Basically, what I really want to do is end it all- that is what consumes my every waking thought- but I cannot to that so instead I try to find some relief but cutting ‘safer’ parts of my body. The thought that is most common is cutting my wrists and watching the blood flow from my body. I have other thoughts too but that it the most prominent. I have often thought about hanging myself (would probably fuck that up), walking into traffic, walking into the ocean, driving into oncoming traffic (though anything to do with traffic I wouldn’t do simply because it may harm and inconvenience others who don’t deserve it), shooting myself (though very improbably in this country), or overdosing. Every object becomes a potential threat, a way I could hurt myself. Maybe this would explain why I am so exhausted.
Last week was so bad that i put a few not so cryptic messages on twitter/facebook- a family member, who was not aware of my situation, contacted me because their daughter had seen my updates and they were worried about me. That made me feel a little less isolated. however, i was and still am quite upset that not one family member who knows of my situation as contacted me for a while, not even to say hello. I really don’t know how to feel about that. I feel quite isolated from the family i am suppose to be closest to! I don’t expect or want people to ask me how I am all the time but i did expect a text every now and again just to say hello. I don’t know, maybe they haven’t realised.
Please end this now. I am paranoid, extremely depressed, anxious, tired and isolated. Help me because I am struggling and there is no end in sight!