Surely, by now, I should know who I am….I am 28 years old and I haven’t the faintest clue anymore. I thought I knew who I was, but it is quite possible that I have been lying to people…. lying to myself. So much so that I have lost my true identity. Over the course of my counselling (which has stopped now for the time being until they can fit me in again) everything that I thought I knew about myself has been questioned. I thought that I was this strong person, who had this dark, twisted sense of humour, who didn’t care what people thought of her, who was determined and independent. Some of that is true… i do have a dark and twisted sense of humour. I’m not strong… I play at being strong; at being the person that everyone can rely on. Someone who can laugh off comments about their appearance or something else of person… I am not, it looks as though that but inside I am cursing myself for every little fault. If I am so determined or independent, why am I still in university at 28 instead of being in the career that I want to be in… why am I only now on the right path towards that goal, and why am I now having my breakdown that is putting all this in jeopardy? If I am so independent, why do I rely on my husband to put food in our mouths or on his relatives to pay my tuition? It kills me a little bit inside every time they hand us money because it makes me realise how much I am failing him and everyone else!!! The first thing my Nan said to me when I said I was getting married was: I didn’t think you would be in for that, I thought you’d be a career girl. I felt that I had let her down there.. though i will never regret that- my husband is my lifeline in everyway. What I thought I was most of all, what I thought I always strove towards is not caring what anyone thinks… and it is in shatters. It was always drummed into me as a kid by my parents and family- ‘who cares what anyone else thinks?’. Well, apparently, I do! A lot! Everything I do is for other people or to make other people like me… it would seem. I don’t know that I do anything for myself. But I am also so fecking contrary. My entire family thinks that I am different or that I have to be different. I have always felt differently… like I somehow don’t belong. The only person with whom I never felt that was my Nan.. and she died 5 years ago on Monday.
I put on this song and dance routine for other people and I don’t know how to stop… and I don’t know if there is anything to be if I do stop. I think that I have been lost somewhere. All that is left are these little quirks that are killing me; things like not being able to separate myself and my emotions from the bad things going on in the world or to other people or animals or to things that have happened in the past. I feel like all of it is happening to me personally and that I cannot stop it, so what is the point in everything? I cannot fathom how people can go about their daily business without a care in the world for other people or making life inconvenient for other people. I cannot fathom how someone can park their car in such a fashion that prevents other people from parking their cars and walk away. I cannot fathom how some people can walk down the street and expect everybody to get out of their way. I am always making way for people.. i feel so invisible sometimes. I always try to accommodate other people when parking my car, I have never felt that my business and nor my person were so important that I will physically barged people out of the way because of my own self-importance. It is so difficult for me to walk through a door first, to walk in front of someone because I need to let someone pass. I don’t even like people walking behind me, I feel a sense of dredge and anxiety when people are walking behind me. I don’t get how I can feel so passionately about something when another person doesn’t care. I don’t understand why people think that they can shit all over people. I just don’t understand. All this deeply bothers me and will play on my mind…a lot.I am sentimental… I am so bad at throwing things out. I get so attached to somethings just because it was bought by a certain person who isn’t here any more or because it brings back some memory.
I cannot get to grasp with some change. Why can’t things just stay the same? Nothing is right! I am a mess and I cannot see a way out of not feeling this way about things. All of this makes me realise that there is no point! I mean really, what is the point? Just to live in a world where people get trodden on?? It all sucks… and i cannot change it. I am suppose to learn to cope with all this shit, we are suppose to cope with all this shit, yet not everyone gives a fucking shit! WHAT IS THE POINT?