In between the depression and the suicidal thoughts/need is the anxiety and that is just as debilitating. I will have days like I am having today; a day where I cannot settle into my skin. I cannot seem to breath properly, despite trying all the techniques that I am developing in yoga. My skin feels like it is crawling, or some other horrible feeling that is indescribable, only that I know that it feels like I want to rip it off. I constantly need to clinch my fists and I cannot keep still. I cannot sit at my desk long enough to do any work… i can’t even be bothered to drink tea! Nothing satisfies me. This then just exacerbates the depression and need to end everything. As someone so plainly and precisely put it yesterday, I sometimes wish that I had no loved ones so that I could just satisfy the one thing that would satisfy these needs and kill myself. I actually think that the wish not to have the loved ones to hurt is greater than the want to get better. I guess that I am losing or that I have already lost the hope that I can get better. I have forgotten what it is like to be ok anyway; to wake up and be hopeful, or grateful that I have woken up.
I feel like every week something is added to the list of things to feel hopeless about. I know for a fact that I am holding my husband back. Not to mention that he has to deal with all this shit with me; the constant worry is making his health deteriorate; but he has had the opportunity to go for a short term (only a month) job in the field he has tried to crack for years but he couldn’t compete for it because he would have had to chucked his day job. The only reason he couldn’t do that is because of my pursuit of my dream job and being in education… and completely unemployed. This job could have led on to different things. He is also doing his MA, but he doesn;t have the option to pack in his day job to focus on that. I feel so goddamn selfish and I hate myself for it. The whole reason that we are in financial difficulty anyway is because I came back to university in the first place and we had to pay all the tuition fees ourselves.
Another thing not helping anything is my weight. I am a big girl and I fucking hate it. But with all this, dieting is impossible, I don’t have the motivation. I don’t really have the motivation. I go to yoga, it makes me feel at peace for about 5 minutes and the instructor says I am a natural… and would be brilliant if I can lose the weight. I try to go to the gym on Tuesdays, I go to a class and that is the only one I can go to; I can’t use the gym outside of this class. And for weeks I have meant to start early morning swimming, but I have had an ear infections which has prevented me going. My eating is not great but it is not terrible. And I still put on weight or at the very least stay the same. I have just bought a vintage bike which I hope to do the odd maintenance job on the weekend so will hopefully start riding that to uni. Providing that self-consciousness doesn’t get the better of me. I just wish this was one less thing that I have to worry about.
Thursdays and Fridays seems to be my worst days, I don’t know why that is. I used to be able to distract myself with Uni work or other work, but the last few weeks this has been a constant struggle. I seem to be forcing myself into doing stuff, but I have not been getting a lot done. I have a shed load of stuff to be getting on with and catching up with but it’s just not forthcoming. This is stressing me out and quite frankly both knocking my confidence and my relationship with myself. I have had enough! I am sick of fighting this and I am so tired! Someone help me! I kinda wish that I could fully just breakdown so all that responsibility would just go!