End this

Please just end this. One day I am not so bad, the next day I am worse than ever. Not even a day sometimes… in the matter of minutes. I swear I am two different people sometimes. Maybe I am anyway… one inside and another outside.Hopefully, yoga will ease a bit today. I truly don’t know how much more I can take. More and more the plans in my head become more vivid and doable, more intricate. How can I fight them off anymore? I am just so tired… so tired. Can I not just sleep now? I want to get off. I am sick of questioning myself all the time- what is the point in life if you don’t feel comfortable in your own mind or skin. Would it actually matter to anyone anyway? It is absolute torture! Waking up every morning is torture! Waking up next to my loving husband and seeing my cats, all of whom i love more than anything, and still wanting to end it all.. absolute torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And I feel like my cries of help are falling on deaf ears. Can I be helped, because if I can’t then maybe I can make my own peace!

Wish this would go away

In between the depression and the suicidal thoughts/need is the anxiety and that is just as debilitating. I will have days like I am having today; a day where I cannot settle into my skin. I cannot seem to breath properly, despite trying all the techniques that I am developing in yoga. My skin feels like it is crawling, or some other horrible feeling that is indescribable, only that I know that it feels like I want to rip it off. I constantly need to clinch my fists and I cannot keep still. I cannot sit at my desk long enough to do any work… i can’t even be bothered to drink tea! Nothing satisfies me. This then just exacerbates the depression and need to end everything. As someone so plainly and precisely put it yesterday, I sometimes wish that I had no loved ones so that I could just satisfy the one thing that would satisfy these needs and kill myself. I actually think that the wish not to have the loved ones to hurt is greater than the want to get better. I guess that I am losing or that I have already lost the hope that I can get better. I have forgotten what it is like to be ok anyway; to wake up and be hopeful, or grateful that I have woken up.

I feel like every week something is added to the list of things to feel hopeless about. I know for a fact that I am holding my husband back. Not to mention that he has to deal with all this shit with me; the constant worry is making his health deteriorate; but he has had the opportunity to go for a short term (only a month) job in the field he has tried to crack for years but he couldn’t compete for it because he would have had to chucked his day job. The only reason he couldn’t do that is because of my pursuit of my dream job and being in education… and completely unemployed. This job could have led on to different things. He is also doing his MA, but he doesn;t have the option to pack in his day job to focus on that. I feel so goddamn selfish and I hate myself for it. The whole reason that we are in financial difficulty anyway is because I came back to university in the first place and we had to pay all the tuition fees ourselves.

Another thing not helping anything is my weight. I am a big girl and I fucking hate it. But with all this, dieting is impossible, I don’t have the motivation. I don’t really have the motivation. I go to yoga, it makes me feel at peace for about 5 minutes and the instructor says I am a natural… and would be brilliant if I can lose the weight. I try to go to the gym on Tuesdays, I go to a class and that is the only one I can go to; I can’t use the gym outside of this class. And for weeks I have meant to start early morning swimming, but I have had an ear infections which has prevented me going. My eating is not great but it is not terrible. And I still put on weight or at the very least stay the same. I have just bought a vintage bike which I hope to do the odd maintenance job on the weekend so will hopefully start riding that to uni. Providing that self-consciousness doesn’t get the better of me. I just wish this was one less thing that I have to worry about.

Thursdays and Fridays seems to be my worst days, I don’t know why that is. I used to be able to distract myself with Uni work or other work, but the last few weeks this has been a constant struggle. I seem to be forcing myself into doing stuff, but I have not been getting a lot done. I have a shed load of stuff to be getting on with and catching up with but it’s just not forthcoming. This is stressing me out and quite frankly both knocking my confidence and my relationship with myself. I have had enough! I am sick of fighting this and I am so tired! Someone help me! I kinda wish that I could fully just breakdown so all that responsibility would just go!

9 months on

It is 9 months on and still no change. I just want to give up…I just cannot be bothered anymore. I dread every single day, every single second. I still cannot see any future. The ideation is getting worse… I can feel that noose around my neck, that blade in my wrist. If i take pain killers, or some other tablet, i wonder how many it would take to kill me. But I am trapped. I still can’t hurt my family and I am still unsure if it is something I want or if it is the condition. All I know is that I have had no relief and apart from the wellbeing services I receive in Uni, I am not getting any help. I feel like I am not being helped because I have not done anything aside from cut my arm up a little or punch things until my hand is black. I end up thinking that I need to do something drastic just to get the help I have been asking for all of these months. How am I suppose to go on, or feel like making the choice not to take my life is a good thing if for 9 months there has been no let up in how I am feeling.

Ironically, it is killing me going on each day and I know that this is killing my husband! I love him more than anything, but I fear that this is killing our relationship. I don’t want him to go, and i do not believe for one second that he wants to or would, but I know that all this is causing him undue stress and it is taking it’s toll on his health. I feel so bad that I am putting him through this. He is a saint. Most of the time I feel like I am being cruel, or too needy. I am just a horrible person to live with and when I am irritable, it is taken all out on him. He is EVERYTHING to me and he has always been there. But I am not fulfilling my end of the marital bargain. I hate myself for it.

I just don’t know what to do. Meanwhile my family seems to enjoy playing up every now and again- if it’s not one family member, it’s another. At the moment i know that my sister is in an incredibly complicated and emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who is still with his wife and just fathered a child with said wife, despite being adamant that he was separated and divorcing said with. Yet my sister, whom I have always thought was a strong person who doesn’t take shit, is falling for his lies and new claims of wanting to be with her. The problem is, I am not suppose to know all this, but she won’t talk to me about it. He is basically keeping her on a leash my emotionally abiding her and now she is talking of moving down to where he lives (hundreds of miles away) clearly trying to separate her from her family- what is worse is that my Dad, although doesn’t know the nasty details, has said that it would be the best thing she could do- a ‘fresh’ start. I blame myself. I feel like I have failed her, like I haven’t been there for her since our Dad moved away and our Mum died. I should have been there for her more then maybe she wouldn’t keep getting into these bad relationships. And now she might be leaving me too!! And I don’t know how to make her see that he is bad news- she won’t listen to anyone! If my mother was around, she would put an end to it all! But then again, we wouldn’t be in this mess either. :-( I also know that my cousin is acting up and screwing up her life and I don’t know what to do about that! I know it is not up to me, really, but I feel responsible- someone needs to take over from my Grandmothers mantle or everything will go to pot. Why the hell do things have to change!!!

Sorry for the massive blog, but I haven’t blogged for a while and I am on a roll, I guess. I am just so frustrated and I don’t know if I can hang on much longer. My sanity and willpower is being eaten at and I am beginning to feel like no one believes me. I feel fobbed off. People seem to think that because I get up everyday and because I go into the office everyday, that I am ok… That if I was that bad, I would stay in bed or at home. ‘Oh you’re doing really well, doing what you are doing, and carrying on with life’- well I have no choice- if I don’t have these routines, if I don’t get up everyday and go into the office, I fear what might happen at home. I have NO choice if I want to stop myself from hurting my husband and family and friends. NO CHOICE! I am exhausted! It is knackering forcing myself to do these things. All I want to do is stay at home and in bed or if I’m in the office, just crawling under my desk and pretending that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Do you know how exhausting it is for an introverted loner to be around people all the time and try to convince myself and them that I am ok? But it distracts me for the time being. It’s infuriating to be governed by this! I am on medication that is doing nothing, and every day there is more and more of my incentive is slipping away. I just want peace! :-(

To my husband- I love you very much. With all my heart I love you. I am sorry when I snap or shout at you- or when I am hideously irrational. I am so sorry that I am a burden both financially and emotionally. I am so sorry that you had to take this all on. I am so grateful for everything that you do and I am so sorry that I don’t show it enough. Thank you for sticking by me. Xxxx

No Change

I feel just awful. I know I keep saying this… but every now and again i need to get it out. I just feel dreadful. I have this constant feeling of guilt that is enveloping me. I feel utterly helpless and worthless. Even last week, when people were praising me for an event I put on, I just couldn’t absorb the positivity. It was a massive struggle to put on a face and speak to people and pretend that I was ecstatic about the book and the event. I was doing something every single night that night, just to keep myself busy. I am exhausted, utterly and thoroughly; not only through keeping myself busy but the new meds that I am taking. I can barely keep my eyes open unless I am moving or with people. It would just be nice to be alone, completely, without having to fill my time with chores or plans. I can’t even just spend the day under the covers moping because I cannot be trusted. Even if I just close my eyes for a minute, I have flashing lights and weird images forming.

One change has been the difference in my suicidal thoughts. They seem to have reverted back to what they were before the meds- hanging. Choking of any kind, smothering- anything that stops my breathing, rather than watching the blood flow from my arm. I am living in hell knowing that I do not want to be here! I am torn between the family I have here and the family that have passed on! :( Please help me!

Surely, by now…

Surely, by now, I should know who I am….I am 28 years old and I haven’t the faintest clue anymore. I thought I knew who I was, but it is quite possible that I have been lying to people…. lying to myself. So much so that I have lost my true identity. Over the course of my counselling (which has stopped now for the time being until they can fit me in again) everything that I thought I knew about myself has been questioned. I thought that I was this strong person, who had this dark, twisted sense of humour, who didn’t care what people thought of her, who was determined and independent. Some of that is true… i do have a dark and twisted sense of humour. I’m not strong… I play at being strong; at being the person that everyone can rely on. Someone who can laugh off comments about their appearance or something else of person… I am not, it looks as though that but inside I am cursing myself for every little fault. If I am so determined or independent, why am I still in university at 28 instead of being in the career that I want to be in… why am I only now on the right path towards that goal, and why am I now having my breakdown that is putting all this in jeopardy? If I am so independent, why do I rely on my husband to put food in our mouths or on his relatives to pay my tuition? It kills me a little bit inside every time they hand us money because it makes me realise how much I am failing him and everyone else!!! The first thing my Nan said to me when I said I was getting married was: I didn’t think you would be in for that, I thought you’d be a career girl. I felt that I had let her down there.. though i will never regret that- my husband is my lifeline in everyway. What I thought I was most of all, what I thought I always strove towards is not caring what anyone thinks… and it is in shatters. It was always drummed into me as a kid by my parents and family- ‘who cares what anyone else thinks?’. Well, apparently, I do! A lot! Everything I do is for other people or to make other people like me… it would seem. I don’t know that I do anything for myself. But I am also so fecking contrary. My entire family thinks that I am different or that I have to be different. I have always felt differently… like I somehow don’t belong. The only person with whom I never felt that was my Nan.. and she died 5 years ago on Monday. 

 

I put on this song and dance routine for other people and I don’t know how to stop… and I don’t know if there is anything to be if I do stop. I think that I have been lost somewhere. All that is left are these little quirks that are killing me; things like not being able to separate myself and my emotions from the bad things going on in the world or to other people or animals or to things that have happened in the past. I feel like all of it is happening to me personally and that I cannot stop it, so what is the point in everything? I cannot fathom how people can go about their daily business without a care in the world for other people or making life inconvenient for other people. I cannot fathom how someone can park their car in such a fashion that prevents other people from parking their cars and walk away. I cannot fathom how some people can walk down the street and expect everybody to get out of their way. I am always making way for people.. i feel so invisible sometimes. I always try to accommodate other people when parking my car, I have never felt that my business and nor my person were so important that I will physically barged people out of the way because of my own self-importance. It is so difficult for me to walk through a door first, to walk in front of someone because I need to let someone pass. I don’t even like people walking behind me, I feel a sense of dredge and anxiety when people are walking behind me. I don’t get how I can feel so passionately about something when another person doesn’t care. I don’t understand why people think that they can shit all over people. I just don’t understand. All this deeply bothers me and will play on my mind…a lot.I am sentimental… I am so bad at throwing things out. I get so attached to somethings just because it was bought by a certain person who isn’t here any more or because it brings back some memory.

I cannot get to grasp with some change. Why can’t things just stay the same? Nothing is right! I am a mess and I cannot see a way out of not feeling this way about things. All of this makes me realise that there is no point! I mean really, what is the point? Just to live in a world where people get trodden on?? It all sucks… and i cannot change it. I am suppose to learn to cope with all this shit, we are suppose to cope with all this shit, yet not everyone gives a fucking shit! WHAT IS THE POINT?

Well it continues…

….every second of every day is still filled with thoughts of suicide. I cannot escape them at all. On Saturday I was out for a meal with friends and the way one of them was talking to me made me feel awful- she can be a bit of a dick head when she is drunk, but i usually am fine with it. I pardoned myself to use the bathroom and I cried in the cubicle. I don’t cry usually! And as i stood there, i seriously considered doing it there and then. for the rest of the time in the restaurant all I could think about was how I could do it.. how I could use my belt… maybe I could find away when we were outside. Nothing happened. but it wasn’t for lack of want or need.

None of the meds have been working. Last week they put me on Mirtzapine to compliment the Duloxitine and Pregabalin. Though I have been extremely tired for a long time, since I have started the Mirtzapine I have not been able to keep my eyes open; I have been waking up with a bad headache, having weird muscle spasms in my fingers and hands, and I have been experiencing dizziness more frequently than I have been on my existing tablets with a strange, intense dizzy feeling when I hear sudden sounds or have a sudden shock. Should I be worried? Yesterday I couldn’t do anything because of this dizziness! Meanwhile all this shit continues.

I am getting to the point where I don’t care that I am alone… Or that I can’t wait to be alone so that I can do something! It’s hell! I cannot concentrate, my short term memory is practically non-existent and I can’t even work out a bill properly. My memory is so bad that I cannot even think of basic words any more- I just draw a complete blank like there is nothing there anymore. Like my hard drive has been erased!!! :( I am feeling depressed, alone, confused, empty and stupid!

Limbo

Well, I am still here…just. Still feeling pretty god damn awful. The end of last week and the weekend were especially bad. I am aware that I keep repeating myself here but I just don’t know how long I can go on for. Each waking moment I am forced to push thoughts of suicide out of my head. Thoughts of what a relief it would be slowly passing over- or rather that is how it should be- one reason that keeps me from going through with it is the likelihood that my last moments would be consumed with guilt and pain for those who i would be leaving behind. So there I remain, in limbo between. And it is such torture to be here. The only relief that I get, and it is brief, is cutting myself.

I came home from the gym on Friday afternoon, after a fairly intensive session, and I was hellbent on hurting myself- I was seriously miserable, even more so after the gym. All that bollocks about the gym making you feel better- I always feel worse, more aggressive…towards myself. Anyway, I took up the paring knife and attempted to cut myself, but the blade was blunt. So i did everything to sharpen it- use the steel, the whet stone, and after ever attempt I tested it on my arm with very little success- except some shallow scratches. However, after about 15 minutes of sharpening, I tested it on my arm, applying the usual pressure. This time i had succeeded in sharpening the blade, quite well. It effortlessly sliced through my skin and immediately started pouring with blood. I had cut my arm very deep indeed. I panicked at first, as I was going out and had very little in the house to deal with it, i didn’t know how bad it was. I managed to stem the bleeding and cover it up and so on. It has been bleeding on and off all weekend, it is scabbing over now, but it is a very bad cut. The problem is, this cut was so satisfying in retrospect- I cannot stop thinking about the blade slicing through and the blood pouring out- there wasn’t even any pain. On the other hand, as satisfying as it was, all i want to do is repeat the action- the relief was short lived but more intense.

I told my husband- didn’t really show him until it looked a little better. He keeps suggesting that i get it looked at but i shrug that off. He is worried, as would i be if it were the other way around. He doesn’t understand self harm, he fully understand suicidal thoughts but the self harm he cannot grasp. I keep trying to explain that it is a compromise- though i probably don’t explain myself well enough. Basically, what I really want to do is end it all- that is what consumes my every waking thought- but I cannot to that so instead I try to find some relief but cutting ‘safer’ parts of my body. The thought that is most common is cutting my wrists and watching the blood flow from my body. I have other thoughts too but that it the most prominent. I have often thought about hanging myself (would probably fuck that up), walking into traffic, walking into the ocean, driving into oncoming traffic (though anything to do with traffic I wouldn’t do simply because it may harm and inconvenience others who don’t deserve it), shooting myself (though very improbably in this country), or overdosing. Every object becomes a potential threat, a way I could hurt myself. Maybe this would explain why I am so exhausted.

Last week was so bad that i put a few not so cryptic messages on twitter/facebook- a family member, who was not aware of my situation, contacted me because their daughter had seen my updates and they were worried about me. That made me feel a little less isolated. however, i was and still am quite upset that not one family member who knows of my situation as contacted me for a while, not even to say hello. I really don’t know how to feel about that. I feel quite isolated from the family i am suppose to be closest to! I don’t expect or want people to ask me how I am all the time but i did expect a text every now and again just to say hello. I don’t know, maybe they haven’t realised.

Please end this now. I am paranoid, extremely depressed, anxious, tired and isolated. Help me because I am struggling and there is no end in sight!

Trapped

This is spiraling out of control. I feel trapped, tortured by the thought of ending my life but not able to because of hurting the people I would leave behind. My every waking thought is consumed by dark and vivid images. Everything is getting to me, everything becomes a negative in my mind. And it is easy for people to say to me ‘Try not to think negative thoughts’ or ‘try not to focus on the things you cannot change’- what use is that? I don’t think these thoughts out of choice. I don’t want to keep reminding myself that the world is shit and full of selfish, ignorant and stupid people who are ruining life for the rest of us… I don’t want to think about the people out there that are making life a misery for other people, those torturing and abusing other people, kids and animals. But there are constant reminders of that all over the place, in some way or another. The thoughts aren’t voluntary.

In an effort to reduce these thoughts I have stopped actively seeking out news. I won’t watch the news (which i never really did for the same reasons a long time ago), i have stopped my daily routine of checking news websites when i get in in the morning. The only news that filters through is the snippets i get from conversations and social media. The fact is that in this day and age it is impossible to ignore what is going on in the world.

I am constantly being reminded that I do not belong here; that if I had been born in any other time I would be better off. I despise not being able to isolate myself from the shit that is happening all over the world.

At the moment, I am just trapped in a room without any windows or doors. It is grey and my only option lies in a box. The box is locked and there is a key, lying right next to a picture of my husband and my family and friends. I so want to take that option, but i cannot take that key. I am in constant torture in my head, bouncing back and forth between taking that option and thinking of these people. I cannot escape or go anywhere and I cannot take myself out of the equation. I am thoroughly exhausted from fighting with myself and I don’t know how long the fight can go on. If the battle were to end, i would want my husband to know that it wasn’t his fault- that he did absolutely everything he could, just by being him, and that I love him with every ounce of my being. Still being here is because of him.

I try to numb the urge somewhat by self harming. I cut myself a lot. It’s a compromise with myself. It eases it very briefly, though ultimately the scars remain there as a reminder of my failure to control the pain. As a reminder at how weak I have become. Years I spent being able to control both urges but now it is impossible. Occasionally it will lead me to over eat- generally I will have bouts of stuffing biscuits of some sweets. Though I have not been so bad considering.

I just need this to end, one way or another. Sorry that this blog is a bit scrambled but that is my head at the moment. I don’t know whether I am coming or going, what is real and what is not. I don’t know whether it is because I am so tired with it all, whether it is the meds I am on, or a combination of the two. Help!

Falling Apart

I have entitled this falling apart but i am not sure whether I already have. I went away this weekend with my husband for our anniversary and it was great- great spending time together alone; great chatting with him; great remembering how good we are together. I felt ok! Well that lasted all of half a day afterwards. Yesterday I had another meltdown, the triggers of which I am not going to go into, and I have fallen again. I have harmed myself again. I harmed myself again last Thursday and I had a rush appointment with the outpatients clinic- though the two things were not directly related. My meds have gone up and I have been given something for anxiety. Though none of this seems to be helping; however, I know that it is early days.

I really don’t know what to do. The slightest thing can set me on a spiral. I dread every second of every day. I am in a constant struggle with myself and I am losing control of the situation. My willpower is losing this fight and I do not know how long I can continue. All I want is to be able to relax and that is too much. I have no control over myself or my situation at the moment and it is so frustrating as usually I am so independent. Part of me just wants to run away and disappear. Another part of me wants to be sorted for my family and the rest of me wants to be dead.

I wish I could be fixed.