How the hell am I suppose to work?

How am I supposed to carry on when my dreams of becoming an academic are hanging in the balance because I cannot concentrate! I am on my last chance of my masters; due to my mental break down last year, one assignment and my dissertation were deferred to this year. My dissertation and any research is going ok but I am really struggling with my assignment… not because I cannot do it, but because I have no drive and zero ability to concentrate on it. How am I supposed to realise my goals if I cannot concentrate or motivate myself to work at it? Then I think, well… what is the point of carrying on? What is the point with carrying on with charade? I am never going to accomplish my goal, particularly if I carry on as I am. If I cannot achieve my dream , what is the point in existing any further? I cannot see a future. All i can see is me continuing to fail myself, my husband and my family! How can I go on knowing that if I fail my Masters, I have squandered the investment put in my by my husband and his family. Then i can just picture that knife digging into my flesh, that rope pulling at my throat and the look of disappointment on everyone’s faces. My mind is ruining my life and I don’t know how to control it. I am running out of time and will. For me, I feel, that the future doesn’t exist; it is just a myth to tease me. The fact is nothing changes and nothing ever will. :(

Mental health? Physical treatment

Cej:

Pretty much sums it all up!

Originally posted on Sectioned:

Mr Bump

I continue to find it striking that expectations in mental health care are so low and are measured in largely physical terms. Statistics are quoted for death rates, rather than full lives. The fact someone is alive is not proof of mental well being. The numbers of bodies alive on hospital beds or dead in morgues is a measure at the extremes and tells us little of people’s everyday lives managing mental health problems.

I am alive: hooray! But I am untreated, apart from drugs, nearly three years on. Three years is a lot of seconds. Three years of being parked on medication and welfare benefits, of experiencing troubling symptoms. Three years of not earning, of unfulfilled potential, of dependence on the whims of Atos and the Work Capability Assessment. Yet I’m seen as some sort of success story. Or, at least, not a failure.

If you go into hospital for…

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When is it ok to give up?

So, I haven’t blogged for a while. I haven’t really been in a blogging mood. The weekend marked 1 year since my mood dropped and never came back up. I have had some less than bad times and some extremely bad times over this year. But all in all, I do not remember what it is like to not want to be here, not to want to give up on life. For 1 year my mind has been consumed with thoughts of ending my life, by knife, by rope or ANY other means (not to mention that these thoughts cropped up every month for a couple of weeks before hand, usually by rope). Off and on throughout my adult and teenage life I have been consumed by these thoughts, but for the most part, I have been able to ignore them; apart from a brief period of time in my late teens where I was harming myself. Nothing I did or suffered in the past is anything like what I have been feeling for the last year. Even when my mother and grandparents were taken from me, I buried all that pain…much of which is coming to the surface now. 1 year of my mood fluctuating between excruciating to painful; from being unable to control the urges to being able to distract myself. I am living in hell and every waking minute of every single day has been torture. All I want to do is disappear, to end my life, but I still don’t want to hurt or inconvenience anyone. I also cannot bear the thought of leaving my cats (take that how you will but quite a number of times a look from one of my cats has prevented me from doing anything drastic). I feel like I am bubbling over with frustration and pain. I feel like everything I am or ever will be is a lie, a figment of my imagination, a result of overestimating my abilities in what I want to do. Nothing seems possible or achievable! In amongst all this is the added torment of taking everything I read, hear about or experience to heart… I FEEL EVERYTHING. I cannot read something that angers me and just let it go… I go through a whole spectrum of emotions and whatever it is will replay in my mind over and over again. I do not understand humanity and I do not believe that I ever will. And this thought just exacerbates my wanting to leave this life. Above all of this… I loathe myself! I cannot stand to look at myself, to hear myself sometimes, or just be. I feel hideous. I cannot lose weight that I so desperately need to lose. I cannot motivate myself to get up in the mornings to go swimming (which I do enjoy) because I am enjoying the lack of consciousness. Actually, sleep is the ONLY thing that I enjoy at the moment and that is when I am not having horrible dreams! I cannot win.. seriously… WHEN IS IT OK TO GIVE UP? Fixing me doesn’t seem to be achievable! The Dr is doing her best, trying me on different drugs, but they don’t seems to be working. The only thing that has eased with the drugs is my anxiety and panic attacks – they are much more manageable. At least that is one positive. Wish I could say the same for my mood. I just want to give up! :(

End this

Please just end this. One day I am not so bad, the next day I am worse than ever. Not even a day sometimes… in the matter of minutes. I swear I am two different people sometimes. Maybe I am anyway… one inside and another outside.Hopefully, yoga will ease a bit today. I truly don’t know how much more I can take. More and more the plans in my head become more vivid and doable, more intricate. How can I fight them off anymore? I am just so tired… so tired. Can I not just sleep now? I want to get off. I am sick of questioning myself all the time- what is the point in life if you don’t feel comfortable in your own mind or skin. Would it actually matter to anyone anyway? It is absolute torture! Waking up every morning is torture! Waking up next to my loving husband and seeing my cats, all of whom i love more than anything, and still wanting to end it all.. absolute torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And I feel like my cries of help are falling on deaf ears. Can I be helped, because if I can’t then maybe I can make my own peace!

Wish this would go away

In between the depression and the suicidal thoughts/need is the anxiety and that is just as debilitating. I will have days like I am having today; a day where I cannot settle into my skin. I cannot seem to breath properly, despite trying all the techniques that I am developing in yoga. My skin feels like it is crawling, or some other horrible feeling that is indescribable, only that I know that it feels like I want to rip it off. I constantly need to clinch my fists and I cannot keep still. I cannot sit at my desk long enough to do any work… i can’t even be bothered to drink tea! Nothing satisfies me. This then just exacerbates the depression and need to end everything. As someone so plainly and precisely put it yesterday, I sometimes wish that I had no loved ones so that I could just satisfy the one thing that would satisfy these needs and kill myself. I actually think that the wish not to have the loved ones to hurt is greater than the want to get better. I guess that I am losing or that I have already lost the hope that I can get better. I have forgotten what it is like to be ok anyway; to wake up and be hopeful, or grateful that I have woken up.

I feel like every week something is added to the list of things to feel hopeless about. I know for a fact that I am holding my husband back. Not to mention that he has to deal with all this shit with me; the constant worry is making his health deteriorate; but he has had the opportunity to go for a short term (only a month) job in the field he has tried to crack for years but he couldn’t compete for it because he would have had to chucked his day job. The only reason he couldn’t do that is because of my pursuit of my dream job and being in education… and completely unemployed. This job could have led on to different things. He is also doing his MA, but he doesn;t have the option to pack in his day job to focus on that. I feel so goddamn selfish and I hate myself for it. The whole reason that we are in financial difficulty anyway is because I came back to university in the first place and we had to pay all the tuition fees ourselves.

Another thing not helping anything is my weight. I am a big girl and I fucking hate it. But with all this, dieting is impossible, I don’t have the motivation. I don’t really have the motivation. I go to yoga, it makes me feel at peace for about 5 minutes and the instructor says I am a natural… and would be brilliant if I can lose the weight. I try to go to the gym on Tuesdays, I go to a class and that is the only one I can go to; I can’t use the gym outside of this class. And for weeks I have meant to start early morning swimming, but I have had an ear infections which has prevented me going. My eating is not great but it is not terrible. And I still put on weight or at the very least stay the same. I have just bought a vintage bike which I hope to do the odd maintenance job on the weekend so will hopefully start riding that to uni. Providing that self-consciousness doesn’t get the better of me. I just wish this was one less thing that I have to worry about.

Thursdays and Fridays seems to be my worst days, I don’t know why that is. I used to be able to distract myself with Uni work or other work, but the last few weeks this has been a constant struggle. I seem to be forcing myself into doing stuff, but I have not been getting a lot done. I have a shed load of stuff to be getting on with and catching up with but it’s just not forthcoming. This is stressing me out and quite frankly both knocking my confidence and my relationship with myself. I have had enough! I am sick of fighting this and I am so tired! Someone help me! I kinda wish that I could fully just breakdown so all that responsibility would just go!

9 months on

It is 9 months on and still no change. I just want to give up…I just cannot be bothered anymore. I dread every single day, every single second. I still cannot see any future. The ideation is getting worse… I can feel that noose around my neck, that blade in my wrist. If i take pain killers, or some other tablet, i wonder how many it would take to kill me. But I am trapped. I still can’t hurt my family and I am still unsure if it is something I want or if it is the condition. All I know is that I have had no relief and apart from the wellbeing services I receive in Uni, I am not getting any help. I feel like I am not being helped because I have not done anything aside from cut my arm up a little or punch things until my hand is black. I end up thinking that I need to do something drastic just to get the help I have been asking for all of these months. How am I suppose to go on, or feel like making the choice not to take my life is a good thing if for 9 months there has been no let up in how I am feeling.

Ironically, it is killing me going on each day and I know that this is killing my husband! I love him more than anything, but I fear that this is killing our relationship. I don’t want him to go, and i do not believe for one second that he wants to or would, but I know that all this is causing him undue stress and it is taking it’s toll on his health. I feel so bad that I am putting him through this. He is a saint. Most of the time I feel like I am being cruel, or too needy. I am just a horrible person to live with and when I am irritable, it is taken all out on him. He is EVERYTHING to me and he has always been there. But I am not fulfilling my end of the marital bargain. I hate myself for it.

I just don’t know what to do. Meanwhile my family seems to enjoy playing up every now and again- if it’s not one family member, it’s another. At the moment i know that my sister is in an incredibly complicated and emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who is still with his wife and just fathered a child with said wife, despite being adamant that he was separated and divorcing said with. Yet my sister, whom I have always thought was a strong person who doesn’t take shit, is falling for his lies and new claims of wanting to be with her. The problem is, I am not suppose to know all this, but she won’t talk to me about it. He is basically keeping her on a leash my emotionally abiding her and now she is talking of moving down to where he lives (hundreds of miles away) clearly trying to separate her from her family- what is worse is that my Dad, although doesn’t know the nasty details, has said that it would be the best thing she could do- a ‘fresh’ start. I blame myself. I feel like I have failed her, like I haven’t been there for her since our Dad moved away and our Mum died. I should have been there for her more then maybe she wouldn’t keep getting into these bad relationships. And now she might be leaving me too!! And I don’t know how to make her see that he is bad news- she won’t listen to anyone! If my mother was around, she would put an end to it all! But then again, we wouldn’t be in this mess either. :-( I also know that my cousin is acting up and screwing up her life and I don’t know what to do about that! I know it is not up to me, really, but I feel responsible- someone needs to take over from my Grandmothers mantle or everything will go to pot. Why the hell do things have to change!!!

Sorry for the massive blog, but I haven’t blogged for a while and I am on a roll, I guess. I am just so frustrated and I don’t know if I can hang on much longer. My sanity and willpower is being eaten at and I am beginning to feel like no one believes me. I feel fobbed off. People seem to think that because I get up everyday and because I go into the office everyday, that I am ok… That if I was that bad, I would stay in bed or at home. ‘Oh you’re doing really well, doing what you are doing, and carrying on with life’- well I have no choice- if I don’t have these routines, if I don’t get up everyday and go into the office, I fear what might happen at home. I have NO choice if I want to stop myself from hurting my husband and family and friends. NO CHOICE! I am exhausted! It is knackering forcing myself to do these things. All I want to do is stay at home and in bed or if I’m in the office, just crawling under my desk and pretending that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. Do you know how exhausting it is for an introverted loner to be around people all the time and try to convince myself and them that I am ok? But it distracts me for the time being. It’s infuriating to be governed by this! I am on medication that is doing nothing, and every day there is more and more of my incentive is slipping away. I just want peace! :-(

To my husband- I love you very much. With all my heart I love you. I am sorry when I snap or shout at you- or when I am hideously irrational. I am so sorry that I am a burden both financially and emotionally. I am so sorry that you had to take this all on. I am so grateful for everything that you do and I am so sorry that I don’t show it enough. Thank you for sticking by me. Xxxx

No Change

I feel just awful. I know I keep saying this… but every now and again i need to get it out. I just feel dreadful. I have this constant feeling of guilt that is enveloping me. I feel utterly helpless and worthless. Even last week, when people were praising me for an event I put on, I just couldn’t absorb the positivity. It was a massive struggle to put on a face and speak to people and pretend that I was ecstatic about the book and the event. I was doing something every single night that night, just to keep myself busy. I am exhausted, utterly and thoroughly; not only through keeping myself busy but the new meds that I am taking. I can barely keep my eyes open unless I am moving or with people. It would just be nice to be alone, completely, without having to fill my time with chores or plans. I can’t even just spend the day under the covers moping because I cannot be trusted. Even if I just close my eyes for a minute, I have flashing lights and weird images forming.

One change has been the difference in my suicidal thoughts. They seem to have reverted back to what they were before the meds- hanging. Choking of any kind, smothering- anything that stops my breathing, rather than watching the blood flow from my arm. I am living in hell knowing that I do not want to be here! I am torn between the family I have here and the family that have passed on! :( Please help me!

Surely, by now…

Surely, by now, I should know who I am….I am 28 years old and I haven’t the faintest clue anymore. I thought I knew who I was, but it is quite possible that I have been lying to people…. lying to myself. So much so that I have lost my true identity. Over the course of my counselling (which has stopped now for the time being until they can fit me in again) everything that I thought I knew about myself has been questioned. I thought that I was this strong person, who had this dark, twisted sense of humour, who didn’t care what people thought of her, who was determined and independent. Some of that is true… i do have a dark and twisted sense of humour. I’m not strong… I play at being strong; at being the person that everyone can rely on. Someone who can laugh off comments about their appearance or something else of person… I am not, it looks as though that but inside I am cursing myself for every little fault. If I am so determined or independent, why am I still in university at 28 instead of being in the career that I want to be in… why am I only now on the right path towards that goal, and why am I now having my breakdown that is putting all this in jeopardy? If I am so independent, why do I rely on my husband to put food in our mouths or on his relatives to pay my tuition? It kills me a little bit inside every time they hand us money because it makes me realise how much I am failing him and everyone else!!! The first thing my Nan said to me when I said I was getting married was: I didn’t think you would be in for that, I thought you’d be a career girl. I felt that I had let her down there.. though i will never regret that- my husband is my lifeline in everyway. What I thought I was most of all, what I thought I always strove towards is not caring what anyone thinks… and it is in shatters. It was always drummed into me as a kid by my parents and family- ‘who cares what anyone else thinks?’. Well, apparently, I do! A lot! Everything I do is for other people or to make other people like me… it would seem. I don’t know that I do anything for myself. But I am also so fecking contrary. My entire family thinks that I am different or that I have to be different. I have always felt differently… like I somehow don’t belong. The only person with whom I never felt that was my Nan.. and she died 5 years ago on Monday. 

 

I put on this song and dance routine for other people and I don’t know how to stop… and I don’t know if there is anything to be if I do stop. I think that I have been lost somewhere. All that is left are these little quirks that are killing me; things like not being able to separate myself and my emotions from the bad things going on in the world or to other people or animals or to things that have happened in the past. I feel like all of it is happening to me personally and that I cannot stop it, so what is the point in everything? I cannot fathom how people can go about their daily business without a care in the world for other people or making life inconvenient for other people. I cannot fathom how someone can park their car in such a fashion that prevents other people from parking their cars and walk away. I cannot fathom how some people can walk down the street and expect everybody to get out of their way. I am always making way for people.. i feel so invisible sometimes. I always try to accommodate other people when parking my car, I have never felt that my business and nor my person were so important that I will physically barged people out of the way because of my own self-importance. It is so difficult for me to walk through a door first, to walk in front of someone because I need to let someone pass. I don’t even like people walking behind me, I feel a sense of dredge and anxiety when people are walking behind me. I don’t get how I can feel so passionately about something when another person doesn’t care. I don’t understand why people think that they can shit all over people. I just don’t understand. All this deeply bothers me and will play on my mind…a lot.I am sentimental… I am so bad at throwing things out. I get so attached to somethings just because it was bought by a certain person who isn’t here any more or because it brings back some memory.

I cannot get to grasp with some change. Why can’t things just stay the same? Nothing is right! I am a mess and I cannot see a way out of not feeling this way about things. All of this makes me realise that there is no point! I mean really, what is the point? Just to live in a world where people get trodden on?? It all sucks… and i cannot change it. I am suppose to learn to cope with all this shit, we are suppose to cope with all this shit, yet not everyone gives a fucking shit! WHAT IS THE POINT?

Well it continues…

….every second of every day is still filled with thoughts of suicide. I cannot escape them at all. On Saturday I was out for a meal with friends and the way one of them was talking to me made me feel awful- she can be a bit of a dick head when she is drunk, but i usually am fine with it. I pardoned myself to use the bathroom and I cried in the cubicle. I don’t cry usually! And as i stood there, i seriously considered doing it there and then. for the rest of the time in the restaurant all I could think about was how I could do it.. how I could use my belt… maybe I could find away when we were outside. Nothing happened. but it wasn’t for lack of want or need.

None of the meds have been working. Last week they put me on Mirtzapine to compliment the Duloxitine and Pregabalin. Though I have been extremely tired for a long time, since I have started the Mirtzapine I have not been able to keep my eyes open; I have been waking up with a bad headache, having weird muscle spasms in my fingers and hands, and I have been experiencing dizziness more frequently than I have been on my existing tablets with a strange, intense dizzy feeling when I hear sudden sounds or have a sudden shock. Should I be worried? Yesterday I couldn’t do anything because of this dizziness! Meanwhile all this shit continues.

I am getting to the point where I don’t care that I am alone… Or that I can’t wait to be alone so that I can do something! It’s hell! I cannot concentrate, my short term memory is practically non-existent and I can’t even work out a bill properly. My memory is so bad that I cannot even think of basic words any more- I just draw a complete blank like there is nothing there anymore. Like my hard drive has been erased!!! :( I am feeling depressed, alone, confused, empty and stupid!